It Gets Better, Do the Time... A Ramble from Marsha

Quitting smoking is a humbling experience.During the first year of my quit,Herbal cigarettes, when I would finally get a couple of those great days.......(you know,stop smoking, at first those days where you weren't sweating and crying and CONSTANTLY thinking about the fact that you didn't smoke!!....where you just wanted to be put out of your misery........and why was life so hard anyway?) Well, I'd get pretty cocky and think......wow!! SHEW!!!! I'm done. Let me just ease up some. WRONG. No sooner did I have those one two or (as you get further into your quit weeks!) three days than BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Out of no where it seemed came the WORST even worse than before urges! Or it would be depression. Or crying. Or anger!! Or ......hell what did I know!! I had NEVER lived life as an adult as a non smoker!!! My brain........my body, all my life and experiences as an adult were on nicotine! What did I know about living free!!?? I HATED IT!!! And I HATED that I CHOSE not to smoke!!! Why did smoking have to be bad for you anyway!?? Why did I ever start?!! Why did everything "fun" have to be bad for you!!??? WHY ME!!????? Victim. After a few of these getting knocked down to my knees experiences, I was humbled. I KNEW that what I was dealing with was BIG. and STRONG. and as BIG as me................and could whip me if I ALLOWED it. But everytime I said NO!!! I learned the truth. That it was BIG. But not bigger than me. And it wasn't stronger than me either!!! It just wanted me to continue to believe I "liked" it, "needed" it, "wanted" it, (oh yeah) "chose" it...........(it's my choice. and nobody's going to tell me I can't smoke!) it was as BIG as me. But is wasn't bigger!! I grew to respect my quit. To guard it. To chersih it above all else. Cause there WAS (IS) and enemy out there......that may fake sleeping, but is just waiting for me to get angry, stressed, sad, hungry..........whatever....just lying there waiting for me to let down a little. It knew that I would have to practice and suffer, and choose, and stay strong to the point of no longer wanting to............before there just MIGHT be a chance it could sneak in and start to whisper in my ear and torment me again. I learned to respect it alright!! So.........I lived my year on guard. Prepared to do battle at any given moment. Just when I'd think.......wow I'm so glad I quit!! This is great.......I'd remind myself of the times that the demon hit. And hit hard. I chose to expect it. To be ready for it. And it helped. And it went on and on it seemed. Till later I thought...."will I always be aware of the fact that I don't smoke? will this always constantly be on my mind!!!???" (you can guess the answer! )What I learned was that it was like walking barefoot in a path with LOTS of stickers. (thorns!!!) Or land mines, or gravel (if you have sensitive feet like me) or whatever works for you..........hot rocks. dog poop. whatever. At first the path is TOTALLY covered. You are stepping in it all the time. You wonder if the path will EVER clear up!! After a while you notice that every so often you get to put your foot down without getting hurt or grossed out. Eventually you get to maybe take a couple of steps or walk a few feet without stepping in ANYTHING!!! woo hoo!!! And just when you are doing that.......you run into a whole string of it!! Soon you learn that it's going to happen. And to be careful. You learn that even after the path becomes clear.....you will always be on the lookout for that one pile of $&)(@! Because you have learned that it CAN and most likely WILL be there sometimes. When you approach your year............you think I'm done. And maybe just around that year it happens again and you can't believe it! Then it clears up..............and clears up............and maybe there might be a pile or thorn here or there,but it doesn't hurt. you kick it right out of the way.....and you learn you can jump right over it.................your path is clear and free for miles and miles now. And it will continue that way. YOu learn that what all the fogeys and people ahead of you said was true!!! WOW!!!!! It will continue. And you won't have those thoughts that are obsessed with smoking, or even want to smoke!!! YOU WON"T EVEN WANT TO SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are SOOOOOOOOOOO glad you chose to quit!! LIFE IS GOOD!!! But life is life. And $*& is going to happen. But you have learned that you don't need nicotine to get through it. YOu never did. You have pride. You are free!!! You have grown and you have learned!! You have grown up!! And it feels great!! The price we payed of getting to know oursleves and see oursleves for who we are again was worth it!! It was all worth it!! We are thankful we chose to stay with it!! We would NEVER EVER want to go back!!!But we are smart too. We know that there could always be another mine, or pile of poop. That is why we are going to hold our quits close. Because we know that we are addicts!! And that we all are only a puff away from a pack a day!!! We know that. And that keeps us in line. Do I want to smoke ? No never. Do I ever think about it? sure....like" man, I wished I smoked. I'd sure puff on this one!!" But I know the second I would put one to my mouth.............that would be it. I can say I will never smoke again. And I don't beleive I will. But I can't be dumb enough to think that I am not one choice away from being as hooked as I was before. This is nothing to toy with. QUitting is serious business. I earned my quit. Ain't nobody ever going to take it from me!! Not even myself!!!Please, please hang in there. It DOES get better!!! SOOOO much better!! If it didn't. I can gauantee I would have been smoking a long time ago!! The pain is temporary. The benefits last forever!!And promise!! the day WILL come when you won't want to smoke or care or even think about it. Promise.xoxoxmarsha