last dance

My "last" smoke was not my last. I thought my last was my last, but I needed one more. My last, last, was my last, and that was 30 minutes ago, I swear. Like ending a destructive, codependent relationship, i needed just one more hug, one more kiss, one last screw.I"m 27, male, new to the board, and was a smoker, self rolled, filterless, 10-15 a day, for the past 10ish years. As you can probably tell from my false confidence, I'm hopefully anew, sure I'll succeed in my conquest of the nicowhore, but in reality, dreadfully scared of the long road that lay ahead.I set my quit date as Feb 1 back in mid January, nervous and anxious of the impending deadline. Feb 1 came along (yesterday) and I made a ridiculous argument to myself that, rather than quitting cold turkey as I had originally planned, I would instead taper down, committing to not smoking until after work. I would then smoke only two cigarettes after work for one week, one after work the next,stop smoking now, and the third week smoke zero. All I could think about at work today was getting home to smoke my allotted two, and I did such, as soon as I walked in the door, soon realizing this self torture could not be sustainable for my mental health. I need the chemicals out of my system as soon as is possible and get on the road to recovery. For this reason, I've made the drastic choice to end my taper down and cold turkey it beginning tomorrow.Like many others before me, I have wanted to quit for a long time, but I never transfered the desire into action, thinking about how integral smoking is to every facet of my life.-getting off a long plane ride...smoke-finishing a laborious task...smoke-long walk...smoke-sex...smoke-drunk...smoke-high...smoke-bored...smoke-driving the car...smoke-break after riding the motorcycle...smoke-stimulating conversation with friends...smoke-feeling socially awkward...leave the room to smoke-after a good meal...smoke-stressed...smoke-etc.Not knowing what to do in these situations has, in a way, kept me from quitting, among the obvious perceived comfort and familiarity of smoking. But I think we all know that's a ruse.Instead of focusing on all I will be "missing" without my departed friend the cigarette, I will instead focus on all I can hope to gain:-growing a dark, hansome, black beard, as my beards to this point have been tinged with yellow and amber-hopefully walking up the hill to my house without panting in despair (I live in San Francisco)-really working out and not half-assing it because I need a smoke afterwards,quit smoking now, and as such, looking quite sexy in long run-running!-breathing well, free of strained deep breaths-hopefully helping to treat my anxiety (I read the thread here about the correlation between anxiety and smoking, and I suffer from frequent panic attacks. The prospect of reducing them is reason enough for me)-kissing my lady without her being disgusted-and so much more I probably can't even realize right nowSo, apologies for my long winded ramblings, but no doubt you can hear the hope and zeal in my post. For the first time I am eager and scared to quit, and not just scared. I hope you all won't mind me piddling out my thoughts here as the days progress. Thanks all to the positive energy I have read through others' posts. It has surely made my decision that much easier. Good luck to all in your endeavors, and wish me luck as well.dave